What was I thinking?

Ever feel that way? 

Right now, I am trying to finalize my plans for a pilgrimage (which I have been hoping and praying for for over twenty years). I will leave on June 1st.  In the midst of trying to pin down the unknowns of traveling to Europe alone –- I am also trying to complete some major tasks due by the end of July in order to finish a Master’s Degree program.  A portion of this workload includes researching and writing seven different 10-12 page research papers (six of which are for my comprehensive exams), passing a language exam in Latin or Greek, finishing up a class, and beginning a thesis which is due in December –- oh, and starting a new job coordinating a school art program for about 600 kids …. At times, it can seem so overwhelming.  I will be leaving in 24 days – be gone for 28 days – and although I have options, I can’t exactly pin down where I’ll be staying after the first 10 days of my pilgrimage or how I’m going to be getting around. 

In the face of this turmoil, I know I must remember the overwhelming joy and excitement I felt when all of this came to be. How I was thrilled beyond measure that God was calling me to this incredible work!  What amazing gifts! What incredible opportunities!  Now, when my brain feels like its exploding from the pressure, it is easy to let fears run wild.  I have been concerned about leaving my husband, my sons and my daughter (who is still at home) to the point that I decided to cancel the pilgrimage when I realized they couldn’t join me, but my husband encouraged me, saying: “I will take of everything at home.  You have been planning and dreaming and saving for this for years.  You’ll always regret it if you don’t do this.”

So, I did it.  I made the plans. Bought the tickets, and now I’m wondering, what was I thinking????

Don’t get me wrong.  I still believe this is an opportunity of a lifetime and an immeasurable gift from God and I truly am excited –- yet, at times, these beliefs seem to be buried underneath tremendous stress, fear and anxiety.  When the fear and stress take over, sometimes it’s hard to remember why I am doing this.  But, then the Word of God dispels these clamoring thoughts of the enemy, and remind me that God is trustworthy and He who began this good work in me will bring it to fruition (cf. Phil. 1:6).  Also, I need not fear, for He will be with me always. Therefore, whether I feel it or not, or the circumstances bear witness to it, I know that His love enfolds me and that I can trust in God to write straight with my crooked lines and bring good out of all things. I also trust that I am being obedient to a call that He gave me, by remembering the many seemingly impossible obstacles that have already been overcome which enabled me to even purchase the tickets. 

Therefore, ready or not, here I come. I soon will be on my way. Who knows, perhaps, I am being called to set out like Abraham with no safety net (a terribly hard thing to ask of a perfectionist and planner). But, regardless of whether or not the plans fall into place, I can trust in the plans God has for me. 

I know this journey is not meant for me alone.  I will carry each member of my family with me in my heart, thoughts and prayers. And because, in a mysterious, very real and mystical way, all believers are united in the One Body of Christ as children of the Father and as disciples of the Son, I feel certain that I am called to carry each one of you in my prayers on this journey to Rome, Italy, France and Medjugorje.  This is the reason I began this blog – to share my journey with you. 

But, now I realize more fully, that this blog epitomizes the true sharing and interconnectedness of us all. We can do nothing truly on our own. I need your prayers and your help to do this, and so I ask you to carry me in your hearts, thoughts and prayers just as much as I hope to carry you.  Each one of us are pilgrims on a journey, and take part in a pilgrimage each day – whether it is in sickness, health, stress, suffering, work or joys that come with our daily duties – it is all meant to be accepted and offered in love of God and for one another. 

This is my prayer and hope. I undertake this pilgrimage out of love for God and for each person who has taken time to read this and for those known to God alone. I trust and hope that I will be in your thoughts and prayers as well.

Passion Sunday - Let our souls take the place of the welcoming branches

Today [Christ] returns from Bethany and proceeds of his own free will toward his holy and blessed passion, to consummate the mystery of our salvation....Let us run to accompany him ...and imitate those who met him then, not by covering his path with garments, olive branches or palms, but by doing all we can to prostrate ourselves before him by being humble and by trying to live as he would wish.... So let us spread before his feet, not garments or soulless olive branches which delight the eye for a few hours and then wither, but ourselves, clothed in his grace, or rather,  clothed completely in him.  We who have been baptized into Christ must ourselves be the garments that we spread before him.  Now that the crimson stains of our sins have been washed away in the saving waters of baptism and we have become white as pure wool, let us present the conqueror of death, not with mere branches of palms but with the real rewards of his victory.  Let our souls take the place of the welcoming branches as we join today in the children's holy song: Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord. Blessed is the king of Israel.

From a sermon by St. Andrew of Crete, bishop

When I enter the adoration chapel, everything within me compels me to prostrate myself before the altar in love, adoration, hope and belief.  It is an act of obedience to the Holy Spirit at work in my soul - for my humanness recoils at the display, and begs pardon for those who might be disturbed by my actions. I am often drawn to come before the Lord of Glory and meekness who waits ceaselessly for His children. The prayer that consumes my time in prostration is the prayer given to the children at Fatima. St. Michael, the Archangel, taught the children to pray: 
O my God, I believe, I adore, I hope and I love You. I beg pardon for those who do not believe, do not adore, do not hope and do not love You. 
The angel said to prostrate yourself on the ground and to repeat it three times in adoration of Jesus' presence in the Blessed Sacrament.  Francisco, who was 9 years old, prayed this prayer for hours at a time throughout the day. His great desire was to console our Lord who was so greatly offended by our sins and indifference. 
This prayer drives me to pray for God to adored by all those who do not desire to come before Him, who might be steeped in sin, in darkness, in despair or busy-ness and who do not believe, do not adore, do not hope and do not love Him.  I also offer my adoration for who long to spend time in adoration, but do not have the opportunity to come before Him and also for those who can come but do not take the time. I kiss the ground in reparation and for conversion of sinners, as Mary instructed St. Bernadette at Lourdes.
In a very mysterious, yet profoundly real and holy way, we are united as one in Christ who took on our flesh and raised it to Himself at His Incarnation.  Each of our prayers and our acts of love build up the whole Body of Christ, while conversely, each act of pride, envy and sin tears down and works to destroy His Body. 
Jesus told us, "Come to me, all who are weary and are burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matt. 11:28).
I have found this to be profoundly true in my own life. There is nothing special about me. Jesus is calling each of us to spend time with Him in adoration.  May each of us answer His call to adore Him this Holy Week, if not in the adoration chapel, in the temple of our hearts.  May we lay at His feet not lifeless branches, but our hearts on fire with love of Him, ready to follow Him wherever He leads.

Mary, our Mother, and perfect disciple, always draw us into greater love of Your Son.

Fiat

"Let it be done unto me according to your will."

Today I completed my 33 day preparation for, and professed again my 'Total Consecration to Jesus Christ through Mary'.  On this feast of the Annunciation, it was God's will that only through Mary's "Yes" would 'The Word become flesh and dwell among us.'

Mary has led me to Jesus all my life. When hearing about her appearances and her messages in Fatima when I was about 8 years old, her presence on earth fascinated me and penetrated my being.  I couldn't imagine not listening to her words to us.  How could one ignore Our Blessed Mother's messages when she was crying for us to listen? I began to pray the rosary daily, and although not perfectly, have continuously sought to live her messages through the years.

Mary converted my heart and brought me to Jesus.  She will do the same for all who listen to her with love. One shouldn't fear that by loving her and placing yourself in her hands, that she will take you away from God. That could never happen, for no one loved or gave herself more completely to God than Mary.  She continues to love her Son completely in each one of us -- the members of His Body -- desiring only to lead us into union with God. So, far from taking us away from God, Mary is God's chosen instrument of grace who brings Jesus to flesh in us. She is our helper and our Mother, whom Jesus entrusted to us on the Cross.

So, entrusting myself to her, I place myself and this endeavor in her hands, as I say "Fiat" to what God is asking of me.

Amen. I believe. Let it be done according to Your Word!